Rekindling Intimacy: How Dr. Alexandra Stockwell Helps Couples Reignite Passion and Joy
Written by Heather Anderson
Dr. Alexandra Stockwell aka “The Intimacy Doctor” brings a unique blend of medical expertise, multiple trainings, and personal experience to her work with couples. After transitioning from her career as a medical doctor, she dedicated herself to facilitating lasting transformation in couples who want to deepen their emotional connection and reignite the spark. In this conversation, Dr. Alexandra shares how she became an intimate marriage expert, offers practical advice for committed couples, and shares tools for creating lasting joy and sensual passion.
Can you tell us about your journey from being a medical doctor to becoming an Intimate Marriage Expert? What sparked this transition?
There are two different stories–both true– that give context for my professional transition. The first concerns my own marriage. My husband and I met in medical school, and for the first ten years of our relationship, we were always busy—working 60 to 100 hours a week, while raising two children. We had a functional marriage; it even looked really good from the outside, but intimacy and passion were sorely lacking. I thought the problem was that we had no time together and once we did, things would naturally improve. But once we did have more time together, not much changed. When I couldn’t figure out how to change things, I decided to train in sensuality and sexuality. As it turns out, the training doubled as a coach certification program. I right away threw myself into learning everything I could, and implemented it promptly. Once my own marriage was aligned and hot, I turned my attention to helping others achieve the same results I had.: I've been helping couples ever since!
The second story is more vulnerable to tell. When my oldest daughter turned nine, she was radiant, confident, and full of joy—everything I wasn’t when I was her age. As I noted the contrast between her radiance and my own state of being at her age, I suddenly realized that my parents' divorce had affected me more than I’d ever previously realized, and if I didn’t regain a sense of vitality and joy, I would unintentionally end up stifling hers. That realization was a huge motivator to reconnect with my own sense of aliveness, joy, and passion, which ultimately paved the way to my developing expertise that shapes the work I do today.
In your experience, what are the most common challenges long-term couples face when it comes to maintaining passion and intimacy?
One of the biggest challenges stems from couples growing comfortable and familiar with one another; in the process they tend to lose their curiosity about one another. When you first fall in love, you're eager to learn everything you can about your partner, but over time, you get to know them well and your sense of wonder fades. However people grow and change, and if you don’t stay curious about what's going on inside your partner’s heart and mind, your relationship becomes stagnant–, that definitely affects how you feel with one another in the bedroom too..
Another major challenge is the myth of compromise. People are taught that compromise is the key to a happy marriage, but that’s not true!. When you compromise, you’re withholding parts of yourself (so that your partner is more comfortable), however the unfortunate consequence of doing that is the erosion of intimacy. Real passion and connection come from being fully yourself, bringing all of you into your relationship, not just physically but emotionally and intellectually as well.
“Staying curious about your partner, their growth, and their changes over time, is the secret sauce for keeping a relationship vibrant...”
Your mission is to change the narrative around long-term relationships so people stop expecting stagnation and instead learn to create joy. How do you facilitate this transformation when working with couples?
The first step is to clarify what you want. Many mothers, especially, are conditioned to put everyone else’s needs first. This often dilutes or disconnects them from their own desires. So, I encourage my clients to start small—figure out how you like your coffee, what color you want the walls painted, and then build from there to more intimate and personal desires.
The next step is learning to share your desires in a way that inspires your partner to want to fulfill them. I always say, 'Get clear on what you want, and then ask for it in a way that makes it feels good for your partner to give it to you.' This two-step process is key to creating intimacy and fulfillment in long-term relationships.
Your book, Uncompromising Intimacy, is acclaimed for its insights. Can you share a key concept or strategy from the book that has helped many couples?
One of the central concepts in my book is cultivating curiosity. It’s simple but highly impactful.
Staying curious about your partner, their growth, and their changes over time, is the secret sauce for keeping a relationship vibrant, (especially when you navigate challenges). In the book, I also discuss the importance of making vulnerable communications, and precisely how to do so successfully. When you're willing to be vulnerable with your partner, it opens up all kinds of new possibilities for connection and intimacy.
How has your own marital journey influenced the advice and strategies you offer to your clients?
My desire to create a fantastic marriage for myself and my husband is what motivated me to dive deep into this realm. I wanted to enjoy my marriage, while simultaneously providing an inspiring model for our four children.
I was already a practicing physician when I realized we needed more joy and passion in our relationship, and I was ready to do whatever it would take to create that. To that end, I pursued extensive training in communication, spirituality, sensuality, and sexuality. With everything I learned, I implemented it in my own marriage whenever applicable.
It’s also relevant to say that I treat my own marriage as a laboratory. Anytime I am experimenting with a new idea, an improvement in one of my communication tools, etc I begin by trying it out with my husband. If any adjustments are needed, I make them and try again. Only once I know how the exercise works by using it in my own marriage, do I then introduce it to clients.
What are some practical steps couples can take to deepen their emotional connection and reignite their sensual relationship?
First, pay attention to transitions. When one partner leaves for work in the morning, take a moment to look each other in the eyes, give a real kiss, and acknowledge that one of you is leaving. The same goes for when you come home. Over time, small moments of connection make a huge difference.
Another simple practice is to express gratitude daily. No matter how annoyed or stressed you may be, find something positive to say out loud to your partner each day. It opens up a new level of love to both give and receive such generous statements..
And finally, nonsexual physical touch is often underrated. A simple 20-second hug releases feel-good hormones, and a stronger sense of connection. Whether or not it leads to something more, it creates a sense of closeness that can reignite the sensual spark another time.
Communication is crucial in relationships. What are your top tips for couples to improve their communication, particularly around sensitive topics?
Most people focus on what they’re going to say, but I believe there’s much more power in improving how you listen. Listening generously, with acceptance and open-mindedness, is key.
When it comes to speaking about difficult topics, make sure you’re clear on what you want to say before you start the conversation. Present your thoughts in a neutral, non-blaming way. If your partner feels attacked or defensive, it won’t be productive. But if you can acknowledge your experience without blaming them, you open up the possibility for collaborative solutions.
Would you share a success story, or a transformation you’ve witnessed, in your career as a Relationship and Intimacy Expert?
One couple comes to mind. They had two young children, aged three and six, and hadn’t emotionally or physically reconnected since their first child was born. The wife felt lonely and unsupported, and they both wanted to rebuild their intimacy. After going through my Aligned and Hot Marriage program, the wife told me they had made love more in the six months after completing my program than they had in the six years prior. She also shared that she hadn’t realized how much more wonderful a marriage could be until she experienced it herself. Her husband was very happy too!.
For couples reading this who desire more passion and connection in their relationship, what is the first step they should take?
The first step is to acknowledge your love for your partner, and express gratitude for some of the positive elements you already experience in your relationship. From there, discuss building on that foundation and ask if your partner is open to putting attention on making it even better!
It’s important to understand that having a fantastic relationship is a learnable skill. No one is born knowing how to have an extraordinary marriage, but with intention and the right guidance, it’s absolutely possible.
Ready to reignite the passion in your relationship? Here are a few ways to get started with Dr. Alexandra Stockwell:
Join the Intimate Marriage Facebook Group to interact with Dr. Alexandra and like-minded individuals who want more emotional connection and sensual passion in their relationship. Click here to join this free group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/hotmarriage
Download a free chapter of Dr. Alexandra’s book, Uncompromising Intimacy, for actionable strategies to cultivate more connection in your relationship. Click here to get your free chapter.
Join the Aligned and Hot Marriage Program, a step-by-step guide to transform your marriage. This is for couples ready to rekindle intimacy and joy. Learn more about the program here. For 50% off use Coupon Code: Mamahood .
Apply for private relationship and intimacy coaching. Dr. Alexandra works privately with a small number of highly motivated couples who want sophisticated, juicy relationships and intimacy coaching. Sessions are enlightening, efficient, and transformational–your relationship will improve in ways you can’t even imagine. Apply here.
You can also find Alexandra on The M List, The Mamahood’s searchable database of mom-recommended resources, or connect and collaborate with her inside of The Club, a membership for women Founders.